That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
