11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
