"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
