god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
