drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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