I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Shame - the story of my life.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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