oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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