theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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