I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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