my shit smells like andre
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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