I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
