She even gives head with a lisp.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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