God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
