so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
