i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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