Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
