my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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