What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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