i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
