I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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