I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
