The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize