I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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