he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
