Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
