hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
