This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
