Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
