I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
