Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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