Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
