think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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