Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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