I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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