Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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