Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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