The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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