ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
