and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
FUCK WHALES
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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