get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
