The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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