I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
