I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
