i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
