Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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