i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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