chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So squirting runs in the family.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
false alarm, still single
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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