She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize