i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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