Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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