allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
