why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I deserve this hangover.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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