just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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