So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
