I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
