It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
