i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
not ubering you a puppy
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
