There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize