i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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