I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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