i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
