I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Terrible idea I love it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
