Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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