and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
