i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize