you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
