When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
