We named our party play list daddy issues
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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