garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
