youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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